When Conflict Makes Us Forget: The Power of Appreciation

This blog post is a part of my What to Do When You’re Triggered series. Sign up for future reflections in your inbox and get free access to Beyond Blame — a workshop on transforming conflict into connection. 

When I am in deep conflict with someone (usually a partner), it can become incredibly difficult to remember the things I love about them,  and the human being they are beyond and within this conflict.

When I have been hurt, frustrated or disappointed repeatedly, I begin to build a story about the other person:

They don't care about me.

They're selfish.

They never listen.

I can't rely on them.

Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication, said:

“Interpretations, criticisms, diagnoses, and judgments of others are actually alienated expressions of our unmet needs.”

I love this understanding of judgement because it asks us to really take a look look at what's underneath it.

Often our judgements have grown from very real experiences of something important to us not being met: perhaps care, consideration, respect, reliability, joy or tenderness.

But over time, we can begin building a kind of court case against the other person.

Every forgotten promise becomes another piece of evidence. Every badly handled conversation gets added to the file. Every moment of disconnection strengthens the argument.

The court case gets stronger.

And the human being becomes harder to see.

This is one of the reasons I have come to value the practice of appreciation so deeply.

Not as a way of pretending everything is okay.

But as a way of widening my  lens and accessing the bigger picture of our connection and of the person in front of me.

A practice that changed my relationship

Before my partner and I had our son, during the time we were trying to become parents and into the early stages of my pregnancy, we had a simple nightly ritual.

We would get into bed, snuggle up together, and share two or three things we appreciated about each other from that day.

Often they were tiny.

"I really appreciated that you closed the door quietly when you came home. I was relaxing quietly and it felt like you were considering me."

Or:

"I really appreciated that you made dinner tonight. It felt caring to have someone cook for me."

It wasn't about finding impressive things to say.

It was about practising noticing.

And we tried to keep doing it even when we had argued.

Sometimes, on those nights, finding an appreciation was hard. It might simply have been:

"I appreciate that you're here doing this with me right now, even though we're upset with each other."

That didn't erase the conflict.

It didn't mean that suddenly everything was okay.

But it reminded us:

There is still a human being here whom I love and whom loves me.

Appreciation isn't bypassing

Appreciation doesn't mean replacing a negative story with a positive one.

I can say:

I'm really angry about what happened.

And

I can still see the ways you care for me.

I can need something to change and still appreciate who you are.

These are often the most powerful moments I witness in mediating couples and families, when there is honesty, anger, frustration and love, appreciation, relief, hope in the room all at the same time.

And this can even be true when a relationship needs to end. We don't necessarily have to rewrite an entire relationship as terrible in order to leave it. We can grieve what didn't work while still appreciating the love, beauty and meaning that is here.

Appreciation is not an invitation to convince ourselves that everything is fine.

It's an opportunity to allow ourselves to see more of reality than the part that is hurting.

What we practise noticing

There is some interesting research behind this too.

Positive emotions have been found to broaden our attention and range of possible responses, while research between couples has linked expressing and receiving appreciation with greater connection and more positive perceptions of one another.

I don't think we need to turn this into the idea that gratitude magically "rewires your brain."

For me, something simpler feels true:

We become better at noticing what we practise noticing.

If I spend my days collecting evidence that you are inconsiderate, I will become incredibly good at spotting your inconsiderations.

If I also practise noticing your care, humour, generosity, effort and thoughtfulness, those things become easier to see regularly too.

And importantly, this can change the ground from which our next conflict begins.

If the only story I am carrying about you is:

"You don't care about me."

then I enter every difficult conversation already speaking to someone I believe doesn't care.

You can probably feel that in the way I talk to you.

But if alongside my frustration I can remember the moments when you have cared, there is a little more room.

My frustration is still completely legitimate and real.

But you don't have to become entirely reduced to the thing I believe you've done wrong.

There is more respect.

More humanity.

And perhaps more possibility.

Because when we enter conflict with people we love, we are usually fighting for something we care about — closeness, consideration, trust, being understood, knowing that we matter.

Appreciation can help us remember what it is we're trying to care for.

An invitation

So I'd love to leave you with a simple invitation:

What might an appreciation practice look like in your relationships?

Maybe it's two appreciations before bed. Maybe it's once a week. Maybe you simply begin noticing some of the small moments of care that are already happening around you.

And notice your reaction to the idea too.

Does it feel warm?

Awkward?

Forced?

Silly?

Surprisingly difficult?

I'd genuinely love to hear what you discover.

My next article will be the final piece in this What to Do When You're

Triggered series. As I bring it to a close, I'd also love to hear what has stayed with you, what has been useful, and what you'd like me to explore next.