This blog post is a part of my What to Do When You’re Triggered series. Sign up for future reflections in your inbox and get free access to Beyond Blame — a workshop on transforming conflict into connection. When I am in deep conflict with someone (usually a partner), it can become incredibly difficult to remember the things I love about them, and the human being they are beyond and within this conflict. When I have been hurt, frustrated or disappointed repeatedly, I begin

Sorry can be hard to give because it may feel like admitting we are wrong, bad or entirely to blame. It can be hard to receive when we do not trust what it means or where it comes from. We may find ourselves reassuring the person apologising, or feeling that the word is replacing any real acknowledgement of what happened.

How to pause, check your capacity and find more choice before disconnection takes over This blog post is a part of my What to Do When You’re Triggered series. Sign up for future reflections in your inbox and get free access to Beyond Blame — a workshop on transforming conflict into connection. A simple toolkit to support you before conflict hijacks your ability to choose wisely. One of the simplest tools my partner and I have used in conflict is a traffic-light system. Green

How conflict can open when we stop fighting over the “how” and start listening for what matters. This blog post is a part of my What to Do When You’re Triggered series. Sign up for future reflections in your inbox and get free access to Beyond Blame — a workshop on transforming conflict into connection. Conflict often narrows us. When we are hurt, frustrated, scared, overwhelmed, or longing for something to change, it can start to feel as though there is only one possible wa

How “Let Them. Let Me.” can move you from obsessing over how someone else behaves into the clarity and power of your own choices. This blog post is a part of my What to Do When You’re Triggered series. Sign up for future reflections in your inbox and get free access to Beyond Blame — a workshop on transforming conflict into connection. Although my main practice, and the basis of the work I have done with myself as well as the work I explore with others, is founded in NVC, I

A simple practice for finding your voice without losing yourself — or the other person This blog post is a part of my What to Do When You’re Triggered series. Sign up for future reflections in your inbox and get free access to Beyond Blame — a workshop on transforming conflict into connection. I’ve been thinking about what influences how we choose to communicate in conflict. The moment before I bring words to my experience. Before I attempt to set a boundary, share vulnerab

How the spiral builds, and how to notice it earlier This week I want to offer something simple. Not solutions Not more theory. Just a chance to slow down and notice: How does conflict build up in me? Bring to mind one recent conflict, or one that still stays with you. Let it be one specific situation. Then move through these questions slowly, staying with that one moment as best you can. This blog post is a part of my What to Do When You’re Triggered series. Sign up for futur

How pain stories can muddy our boundaries and make it harder to ask clearly for what we need This blog post is a part of my What to Do When You’re Triggered series. Sign up for future reflections in your inbox and get free access to Beyond Blame — a workshop on transforming conflict into connection. I’ve recently been “joyfully” re-acquainting myself with parts of my internal defence system that can find it easy, when in conflict with someone I love, to build a story about th

How shame, self-image, and deep protection can make some parts of us much harder to recognise This blog post is a part of my What to Do When You’re Triggered series. Sign up for future reflections in your inbox and get free access to Beyond Blame — a workshop on transforming conflict into connection. Last week, I wrote about the protective behaviours we may already know something about through inner work and self-reflection. The ones that reveal themselves because we can feel

How naming the behaviours you already know can lead you toward the ones still hidden This blog post is a part of my What to Do When You’re Triggered series. Sign up for future reflections in your inbox and get free access to Beyond Blame — a workshop on transforming conflict into connection. If you’ve spent time in therapy, coaching, meditation, relational work, or simply years trying to understand yourself, you may already know some of the protective and reactive places you

One of the main questions I hear from clients and people in my workshops is: How do we actually use these communication tools when we’re really triggered or activated? And honestly, I ask myself the same question too. Because for me, that is one of the hardest moments in conflict. Not when I’ve had time to reflect. Not when I’ve calmed down enough to repair. Not when I can suddenly see the bigger picture again. I mean the moment when something has already taken over. The mome