Four Simple Words That Could Transform the Way You Relate

How “Let Them. Let Me.” can move you from obsessing over how someone else behaves into the clarity and power of your own choices.

This blog post is a part of my What to Do When You’re Triggered series. Sign up for future reflections in your inbox and get free access to Beyond Blame — a workshop on transforming conflict into connection. 

Although my main practice, and the basis of the work I have done with myself as well as the work I explore with others, is founded in NVC, I am a stickler for variety, contradictions and being devil’s advocate with my own favourite pathways into the inner world.

It helps me see a wider perspective on the experiences we have as humans, and the many possible ways we can choose to tune in and learn about our being, so that we can weave this awareness into the ways we relate.

And it connects with a core concept of NVC: there are many, many, if not millions .. of strategies to meet every need. It excites me to explore them.

The "Let Them" Theory by Mel Robbins is a theory that I believe meets needs around acceptance, empowerment, compassion, freedom and inner growth. In a way, I think it encapsulates the four steps of NVC (Observation/ Feelings / Needs / Requests) in just two short phrases:

Let them. Let me.

It paves the way for communication that is both compassionate and powerfully honest, respectful towards others and respectful towards ourselves.

I want to share some of the concepts of this theory from my own perspective, and how they have touched me. I of course recommend reading her book The Let Them Theory if you want the fuller, more direct, and more honest-to-her-words version of what I will share below.

What I love about the Let Them Theory is its utter simplicity. What is simple works. Of course there is challenge in it. I don’t believe we grow without challenge. But the theory sticks because the essence is in the words.

Let them.

Let them ignore me. Let them date the person I don’t like. Let them sleep with someone else. Let them take all the credit for my project. Let them cancel our plans last minute. Let them never call me, even though I know they love me. Let them judge me. Let them not like my blog post or the way I write. ;)

Etc. Etc. Etc.

So many of us can relate to how easy it is to fight against the actions that hurt, frustrate and annoy us in other people. We want to shape them into behaving in ways that make us feel better.

If only he would listen. If only they were more communicative. If only they would give me more notice. If only they would just understand. If only.

With this mindset, I am sure to stay hurt, frustrated and annoyed, because I need the other person to change in order for me to feel happy, at ease, reassured or relaxed. The power I have to change anything about my own experience becomes invisible, lost or given away in my desire for them to do it my way.

This is a sneaky kind of control.

And the sad part is that the relationship is often affected in the opposite direction when I attempt to meet my needs through control.

For example: If only he would listen.

That is a familiar one for me. And it is one where I can get all professionally controlling in shadowy ways, especially when I feel super hurt and frustrated.

So when my partner keeps responding to my sharings about how I feel when he does this thing that I won’t share for privacy — but it f–ing infuriates me so much — and I try to explain to him for the 2,000th time how that feels for me when he does it, and he only responds with self-defence...

Aaaahhhhhhh!!

In that moment, I can become completely focused on making him listen. I want him to understand. I want him to stop defending. I want him to see the impact. I want him to care.

And of course underneath that are beautiful needs: respect, understanding, care, maybe repair, maybe trust, maybe emotional safety. But when I become fixated on those needs being met by him, in that exact moment, in the exact way I want, I lose access to my own choices.

Now he does not trust me, because I am demanding that he listens and he is set up to fail. Even if my words are reasonable, underneath there is a demand. He can feel that I need him to respond in a very particular way for me to be okay.

The more I push, the more he defends. The more he defends, the more I push.

But what happens when I let him?

Let him defend himself. Let him respond in ways that are not what I wish for. Let him be unable to hear me in that moment. Let him have his own nervous system response. Let him be where he is.

Not because I am giving up on myself. Not because I am pretending it does not hurt. Not because it does not matter. But because I am loosening the noose that I have tied so tightly around my favourite strategy in that moment:

I want you to listen to me. And if not, all hell breaks loose.

When I let go and let him defend himself, the tension and frustration start to release, because now I can see my choices.

I can express that for now I am not available to hear his side of the story, as I am deeply needing listening and out of capacity to listen.

I can choose to hear him if I do have capacity, and listen for what is behind his defence that keeps blocking him from hearing me.

I can choose to express my frustration somewhere else that feels safe, and be sure I am heard and understood by another human who has space for me to offload.

I can write with ChatGPT — yes, go ahead and judge this option — to see if it can support me to feel understood enough to come back to the conversation with more choice.

The list goes on.

In all of the above options, I have choice. I have a way to move the energy that wants to be met within me, and to respect that desire by ensuring that I care for it in another way — with or without that person involved.

I am not giving up on myself. I am simply no longer making one person, in one moment, through one specific strategy, responsible for meeting my need.

This feels especially important in the world of self-development and healing.

Many of us come from histories where we did not know we had needs. Or if we did have needs, we learned to meet them indirectly. We hinted. We adapted. We tried to get people to do what we wanted without asking. We made people feel guilty or ashamed. We changed our behaviour in the hope that they would meet us in the way we needed.

Then, at some point, we discover: Oh. I have needs. My needs matter. It is important for me to speak up. It is important for me to ask for what I need.

This can be a profound and necessary awakening. But sometimes, when we first discover our needs, we can swing to the other side. Instead of silently trying to get them met, we bring them with a demand underneath: I have needs, and you should meet them.

Of course this is understandable, especially if we have spent years abandoning ourselves, over-adapting, or trying to earn love by being easy. But there is a different energy available.

Less: I have needs, and you are responsible for meeting them.

More: I have needs here, and I want to care for them. They are mine to care for. I want to bring them into this connection. I want to be brave enough to ask for what I need. And I do not expect the other person to be able or willing to meet me in exactly the way I ask.

This is where “let them” becomes powerful. I can ask. I can reveal. I can be honest. I can make a request. And then I can let them respond as they respond.

Not because their response does not matter, but because their response gives me information. It shows me what is possible here. It shows me what might not be possible here. And from there, I can choose.

So I want to invite us into a short practice with the Let Them Theory now.

Find a moment when you were triggered. Write about what happened between you and the other person. What did you wish they would do differently? What were you trying to get them to understand, change, stop, start, admit, or finally see?

Now see if you can say: Let them.

Let them respond how they respond. Let them not understand yet. Let them defend. Let them judge. Let them reveal their capacity. Repeat the words as many times as you need to, until it feels true that you have let go of them having to do it your way.

It may still hurt. There may be sadness, mourning, frustration or anger underneath. That is healthy. Allow that to be here.

Now: Let me.

Let me do what? Let me say what? Let me explore, ask for, try out, consider, take a new perspective or choose?

What is within my power to request of myself or another? What is within my power to care for? What is within my power to change or explore?

For those who know Nonviolent Communication, perhaps you can already feel the essence of the four steps here undercover: observation, feeling, need and request.

But in the simplest possible language:

Let them. Let me.

Let them be who they are. Let me come back to who I am. And from there, let me choose.

If this piece touches something tender, stuck, or familiar in you, and you’d like support untangling the story, the hurt, and the boundary underneath it, I’m currently offering Clarity in Sticky Places — a short series of sessions for individuals and couples who want help finding their way through relational fog, conflict, or repeated pain patterns with more honesty, care, and clarity.

You can read more about it here: