The Moment Before It Takes Over.

How the spiral builds, and how to notice it earlier

This week I want to offer something simple.

Not solutions Not more theory.

Just a chance to slow down and notice:

How does conflict build up in me?

Bring to mind one recent conflict, or one that still stays with you.

Let it be one specific situation.

Then move through these questions slowly, staying with that one moment as best you can.

This blog post is a part of my What to Do When You’re Triggered series. Sign up for future reflections in your inbox and get free access to Beyond Blame — a workshop on transforming conflict into connection.

1. What was building before anything was said?

For me, one of the earliest signs is often not in the argument itself, but in the stories quietly building beforehand (as we explored in last weeks blogpost)

Before the conflict became visible, what was already happening in your mind and heart? What thoughts, assumptions, resentments, or interpretations were gathering in the background about this person or this situation?

For me, this often begins in the quiet spaces between connections, when I start building a case in my head every time that they say or do the thing that triggers me, my internal story about them becomes stronger..

2. What began to rise in your body?

For me, the next thing I usually notice are feelings in the territories of shame or annoyance.

As you remember this conflict, what feeling state or body sensation began to rise first? Was it tightness, heat, shame, irritation, dread, numbness, impatience, hurt? Something else? (you may choose to use the feelings list below to support you)

If more than one thing was there, write them both down.

For me, this is often the moment where impatience starts rising in my system and my body begins quietly tightening and affirming the story I’m already holding about them (or myself).

3. What meaning did your system move toward next?

For me, the next move is often a story of injustice:

This is not fair. They don’t see their part in this.. They need to understand what they are doing.

In this particular conflict, what did your system begin telling you next? What conclusions or truths started forming in your minds: about them, about you, or about what was happening?

For me, this is often where the defender in me appears — the one who is determined not to be shut down, overlooked, or left alone with the pain of “not mattering”.

4. What happened when the charge got stronger?

For me, this is where I start moving into physical defence. Anger rises in my body. Tightness. Heat. Spikes.

As this conflict escalated, how did your trigger become visible to you? What happened in your tone, your body, your words, your silence, or your behaviour once the charge got stronger?

Maybe you got sharp. Maybe you went quiet. Maybe you left the room. Maybe you froze. Maybe you pushed harder to be understood or respected.

For me, this is often the moment where the vulnerable part underneath gets armoured over, and anger starts doing the talking for me.

5. What is your deeper or last-resort place?

I also know there are deeper layers still.

For me, there is a place I can go when I feel completely lost in the story that I am unseen, uncared for, and not understood at all. A place of overwhelm, despair, and losing perspective.

If it feels safe enough, in this conflict what was the deepest place you went — or almost went? What did that place feel like in you? What did it make you want to do or say?

Only go there if it feels manageable.

For me, this is a rare place, but when I touch it, it feels like an implosion — like all perspectives collapse and only deep pain is left.

Why do this?

Because the more clearly I can see how a trigger builds in me; in this conflict, with this person, in this exact sequence; the more chance I have of catching myself somewhere along the way next time. 

Not perfectly. Not every time.

But a little earlier.

And sometimes that small bit of awareness can change everything. If this piece touches something tender, stuck, or familiar in you, and you’d like support untangling the story, the hurt, and the boundary underneath it, I’m currently offering Clarity in Sticky Places — a short series of sessions for individuals and couples who want help finding their way through relational fog, conflict, or repeated pain patterns with more honesty, care, and clarity.

You can read more about it here: